Fetuses, Unborn Children Not Ready to Commit to Santorum

Rick Santorum formally declares his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination [Credit: Reuters]. Inset, top left: FUCNA Political Director Scooter Lewicki.

Rick Santorum formally declares his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination [Credit: Reuters]. Inset, top left: FUCNA Political Director Scooter Lewicki.

Eagle Lake, Florida – The leading PAC for fetuses and other unborn children announced yesterday that recent reports that it is endorsing former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum for president in 2016 are premature.

“Sure, [Santorum’s] positions align with ours in many areas,” said Scooter Lewicki, Acting Political Director of Fetuses and Unborn Children of North America (FUCNA). Lewicki, a sixteen-day-old embryo whose mother Maureen DiFrancesco-Lewicki is not yet aware of its existence, continued, “But there are many excellent candidates competing for the Republican nomination and we are taking the time to evaluate all of them before proffering an endorsement.”

FUCNA, a political action committee founded in 1987 by fetus Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, Jr., is chartered with representing the interests of the full range of unborn children in city-, state-, and federal-level elections across the United States and Canada. Cruz, who was not carried to term, started the organization when he overheard his father telling his mother to “just end it for the sake of my future.” FUCNA is the only federally-registered PAC whose membership consists exclusively of unborn children. FUCNA has occasionally supported Democratic candidates, but it operates primarily as a force within the social conservatives’ wing of the Republican Party.

While FUCNA is known mostly for its strong pro-life stance, Lewicki says that the organization has a diverse membership base and considers a broad range of issues when making endorsement decisions. “To post-pregnancy people, all unborn children may appear the same, but the political interests of zygotes, embryos, and fetuses are actually quite varied,” said Lewicki. “For example, the embryo caucus is the most strongly committed to the ‘life begins at conception’ platform, whereas fetuses are the driving force behind a proposed ban on second-trimester abortions. More than 99% of male fetuses are opposed to abortion under all circumstances, whereas 8% of female fetuses support exceptions for rape, incest, and the life of the mother. We all agree on curtailing U.S. military involvement in the Middle East by the year 2034, so a lot of members want us to give Rand Paul a closer look.”

Pollsters are quick to question the accuracy of such statements, noting that unborn children have limited access to landline telephones, and their prefrontal cortexes are slightly less developed than those of typical presidential primary voters.

Seattle-based columnist Dan Savage observed, “This is just more evidence that children, regardless of age, are repelled by Santorum.”

The Santorum campaign declined to comment.

[Correction: An earlier edition of this article incorrectly referred to Scooter Lewicki as a blastocyst. The paper regrets this error.]

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