Category Archives: fnord

Fetuses, Unborn Children Not Ready to Commit to Santorum

Rick Santorum formally declares his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination [Credit: Reuters]. Inset, top left: FUCNA Political Director Scooter Lewicki.

Rick Santorum formally declares his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination [Credit: Reuters]. Inset, top left: FUCNA Political Director Scooter Lewicki.

Eagle Lake, Florida – The leading PAC for fetuses and other unborn children announced yesterday that recent reports that it is endorsing former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum for president in 2016 are premature.

“Sure, [Santorum’s] positions align with ours in many areas,” said Scooter Lewicki, Acting Political Director of Fetuses and Unborn Children of North America (FUCNA). Lewicki, a sixteen-day-old embryo whose mother Maureen DiFrancesco-Lewicki is not yet aware of its existence, continued, “But there are many excellent candidates competing for the Republican nomination and we are taking the time to evaluate all of them before proffering an endorsement.”

FUCNA, a political action committee founded in 1987 by fetus Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, Jr., is chartered with representing the interests of the full range of unborn children in city-, state-, and federal-level elections across the United States and Canada. Cruz, who was not carried to term, started the organization when he overheard his father telling his mother to “just end it for the sake of my future.” FUCNA is the only federally-registered PAC whose membership consists exclusively of unborn children. FUCNA has occasionally supported Democratic candidates, but it operates primarily as a force within the social conservatives’ wing of the Republican Party.

While FUCNA is known mostly for its strong pro-life stance, Lewicki says that the organization has a diverse membership base and considers a broad range of issues when making endorsement decisions. “To post-pregnancy people, all unborn children may appear the same, but the political interests of zygotes, embryos, and fetuses are actually quite varied,” said Lewicki. “For example, the embryo caucus is the most strongly committed to the ‘life begins at conception’ platform, whereas fetuses are the driving force behind a proposed ban on second-trimester abortions. More than 99% of male fetuses are opposed to abortion under all circumstances, whereas 8% of female fetuses support exceptions for rape, incest, and the life of the mother. We all agree on curtailing U.S. military involvement in the Middle East by the year 2034, so a lot of members want us to give Rand Paul a closer look.”

Pollsters are quick to question the accuracy of such statements, noting that unborn children have limited access to landline telephones, and their prefrontal cortexes are slightly less developed than those of typical presidential primary voters.

Seattle-based columnist Dan Savage observed, “This is just more evidence that children, regardless of age, are repelled by Santorum.”

The Santorum campaign declined to comment.

[Correction: An earlier edition of this article incorrectly referred to Scooter Lewicki as a blastocyst. The paper regrets this error.]

Never Forgive. Never Forget.

The perpetrator of the greatest non-violent crime of the 20th century has been granted the ultimate recognition by his peers.

How anyone can be rewarded for deserting Brooklyn for the West Coast is beyond me.

If Supermarket Tabloids Covered the Presidential Campaign

… the candidates would be promising automatic restraining orders to any woman married to someone named "Peterson."

A Glut of Credulity

I got the following hoax (the April 2002 version) emailed to me by a relative earlier today, with the comment "Friends and Family, What the h—-, It’s worth a try."  No, it’s not worth a try.  It’s obvious to anyone who takes more than a microsecond to think about it that it’s a hoax and forwarding it along just pollutes your friends’ mailboxes with junk.  And if you have any doubts, take a second to search any of several reputable email hoax web sites and see if it appears.

Men Who Cannot Be Trusted

If you see a man exhibiting any of the following behaviors, keep him far away from your female friends and relatives:

  1. Driving an El Camino.
  2. Wearing wooden-soled clogs.
  3. Having a perm.

Beware of Flag-Bearing Latvians

Robert Klein made a similar observation thirty years ago about the national anthem on his album Mind Over Matter.

What exactly is the point of affixing an American flag sticker to your car?  Is it a memory aid for others who might be driving or walking along and have forgotten what country they’re in?  ("Where are we, Denmark?"  Oh, there’s the American flag on the back of a car!  Thanks!")  Or is it the driver’s way of saying to everyone, "I am more patriotic than you, and here’s the proof."?

Another explanation is that there’s a conspiracy of Latvians* who are plotting to take over the United States and turn it into a new Latvian homeland.  The American flags are a secret signal to each other so that when the takeover begins, they know who they can trust.

Not to denigrate the symbolism of the American flag, but I do agree with the aphorism that "he who wraps himself in the flag is probably covering up something."

 

* – Disclaimer:  I have nothing against Latvians.  In fact, I’ve met several Latvians in the past and generally found them to be lovely people.  I just needed to pick an unlikely nationality and "Latvian" is funnier than "Monaconian."  If you are offended by this, I sincerely apologize, and suggest you substitute the nationality of your choice, such as Albanian.**

** – Second Disclaimer:  I have nothing against Albanians either.  In fact, I’ve also met several Albanians in the past and found them to be lovely people.

 

On “Who Owns My Blog Content?”

In his discussion of this topic, MC conveniently ignores the following section of the MSN Terms of Use:

By creating an MSN Space, you grant Microsoft the right to harvest a kidney of Microsoft’s choice for research purposes, including but not limited to footbag competitions.

It’s in there.  Really.  Look it up.